23.00 Night Columbo
The trenchcoat-attired inspector's antics surfaced in a suburban family's run-in with some paranormal syndication in 1983.

Plug-and-play configuration
Girlfriend XP's automatic investigation and configuration features allow her to retrieve your user profile, preferences, and any other personal details from any previous Girlfriend installations you may have had!

Basically my attitude is that "genre" is A. an unpronounceable French word, B. a very useful descriptive tool, and C. a pernicious instrument of prejudice.

Baiting By Riot Cops
A regular feature of industrial disputes was the sight of ranks of pickets, their pay long stopped and their families subsisting on paltry union handouts, facing 'special' policemen who had thoughtfully sellotaped £10, £20 and £50 notes inside their plexiglass riot shields for instant taunting.

Considering that the opposition this time will be a pack of high-earning footballers deprived of life's usual pleasures, the stakes will have to be raised. Therefore if possible, each riot policeman should tape to his shield either a top Page Three girl, a Ferrari Testarossa or a one-ounce baggie of nandrolone-spiked cocaine. It would help if the riot police's uniforms could be redesigned by Dolce & Gabbana.

1. It stinks that Stelios is using his 75% holding in the company to push this deal through.
2. Why has everyone forgotten that putting your savings into shares - even in your own company - is only sensible if you can afford to lose every penny. The mid-80s wave of privatisations at bargain prices, followed by several years of rising share prices, made everyone forget that elementary fact. Its true that in the medium/long term equities usually perform well (provided you don't put all your eggs in one basket), but you can only afford to leave shares to accrue value over the long term if you're sufficiently comfortably off that you aren't going to worry if a change in market sentiment knocks 90% off the value of the shares one year. Capitalism works nicely for those with lots of capital.
3. If the aim of the employee share purchase scheme was to buy staff loyalty, I think it might have just backfired quite badly.

Dear God,

Could you possibly make my tail an inch or two longer? I can almost catch it, but not quite. Plus, those extra inches would be great for knocking things off of shelves, don't ya think?

Some executives have been luckier.  Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft, has recently been touring as a backup dancer for Destiny's Child. Bandleader Beyonce Knowles exclaimed at a recent concert, "We saw him bouncin' around in that Developers video, and I turned to LeToya and said, 'Oooh, LeToya, we gotta get that boy on the road with us!" Ballmer was unavailable for comment.

"An ID device would be ideal to deal with terrorism menace. Ideally, it should be worn like a watch on each and every person in USA. [...] Anyone without this capsule should be unable to make any transaction in USA."

Terrorist agencies will, of course, be made to promise only to use agents who are known to the police. Clever forgers will generously carry ID cards saying that they're clever forgers. Each card will be magically unstealable, even from a kidnapped innocent, and will immediately report itself if its owner mislays it. Police will be smiley and helpful towards anyone who has mislaid their card. Expensive technology will successfully conquer all of mankind's slightest tendencies towards 'evil' (as defined in an imminent government paper) by 2013. Etc.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the war against terrorism will be different from any previous model of modern warfare.

"We were lucky enough at Pearl Harbor to be the victim of a craven sneak attack from an aggressor with the decency to attack military targets, use their own damn planes, and clearly mark those planes with their national insignia so that we knew who they were," Rumsfeld said. "Since the 21st-century breed of coward is not affording us any such luxury, we are forced to fritter away time searching hither and yon for him in the manner of a global easter-egg hunt."

Bush Sr. Apologizes To Son For Funding Bin Laden In '80s

MIDLAND, TX

Former president George Bush issued an apology to his son Monday for advocating the CIA's mid-'80s funding of Osama bin Laden, who at the time was resisting the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. "I'm sorry, son," Bush told President George W. Bush. "We thought it was a good idea at the time because he was part of a group fighting communism in Central Asia. We called them 'freedom fighters' back then. I know it sounds weird. You sort of had to be there." Bush is still deliberating over whether to tell his son about the whole supporting-Saddam Hussein-against-Iran thing.

We bring bin Laden back to the U.S. for trial and BEFORE locking him up, we keep him in house arrest.... IN THE PLAYBOY MANSION!

I can’t think of a better way to go than having a 1" fish swim into my urethra, lock its spines out so that it can only be surgically removed, and proceed to suck my blood.