"I know what each of those words mean, but I don't understand them all together like that." -- Lisa Simpson.

1. Take out Microsoft Access
I thought Access was only included in some versions of Office nowadays. If that's no longer the case, this makes a lot of sense. A database management system isn't something the average Office user is likely to make much use of.

2. Include Visio
Sensible, but not likely as long as Visio is streets ahead of its rivals and Microsoft can persuade us to pay up for a standalone version.

3. Add an initial settings wizard
No more wizards, please. Just sensible default settings.

4. Give Outlook better spam filtering
There are a lot of things that need fixing in Outlook. Spam filtering is a long way down the list.

5. Merge the apps
Hell no. Isn't Word big enough already?

6. Make Office a platform for Web-services development
<sarcasm>You mean build on the strength of Word, which is such a kick-ass HTML editor?<sarcasm>

7. Expand "smart tags"
But default to not having them active, please.

8. A universal spelling checker
Definitely. But set up the API so that you can substitute an alternative spelling checker engine for your system.

9. Better media editing
Not really a core Office application.

10. Teach IE how to print
The fact that it's up to version 6 and still isn't there speaks volumes for how lax Microsoft are when it comes to being responsive to their customers' needs. Opera and Mozilla both do much better, and Opera's been doing it better for some time now.

Are you a member of the mile-high club?
Elton Roebuck, Southport

The funniest letter of complaint I ever had was from a Virgin Atlantic passenger who complained that the sinks in the toilets of the new Airbus A340 were too small to fit his wife's bottom into when they were having sex on board. It included a drawing of a more comfortable sink for future use.

As to whether I have ever joined the club. Well... certainly not since Virgin Atlantic started flying 18 years ago, but, having said that, we are not the sort of airline that bangs on the door if a couple have been in there for a few minutes.

My brain is once again in its Trivial Pursuit fighting weight. It had gotten pudgy and lazy eating Google dripping with IMDB. The lyrics section had gotten kind of dusty. The history zone had been boarded up, renting out room to Bobby Hill impressions. Now I don't have time for fluff. I have to keep all the doors unlocked and ready for anything. I can't just slob around like a DSL lady of leisure. I'm a starving artist, a struggling scientist. I'm the crazed mathematician trying to figure out the millionth digit of pi.

Who played the voice of Fiver in Watership Down? Why are you asking me that? Why are you so cruel? Don't you know I'm a dial-up ho? Slumming it on the 56K?

While doing a radio interview about computer-game violence the other day, I came up with a good definition of a "realistic" war game: they ship 45,000 copies, and only 15,000 of the games allow you to proceed past the beach. That's it. No refunds, either. You get off the landing craft; your screen goes black; your computer seizes up and cannot be rebooted. Game over, man.

He added: "This is not a good day for me." Asked what caused the accident, he said: "A combination of unfortunate circumstances and human error. This is quite the worst thing that has ever happened, quite the worst. Character-building stuff."

Cdr Farrington, who has captained the ship for more than 18 months, faces the prospect of a court martial. Though he was not on the bridge at the time, the navy holds a ship's captain responsible for accidents unless they are considered to be entirely out of his control.

Cdr Farrington told Australian TV: "It is inevitable. The sun comes up in the morning, you run your ship aground, you get court martialled."

Genesis: God made lots of shit.
Exodus: "Let's get out of here!"
Leviticus: "Moses? Your son is history."
Numbers: Lots of Jews were born!
Deuteronomy: "Damn. It's like ... Africa hot!"
Joshua: "Dude, where's my caravan?"
Judges: "Don't you Jews ever listen?"
[...]

Matthew: Verily, Christ was way cool.
Mark: Verily, Christ was the whip.
Luke: Verily, Christ was the shiznit.
John: Christ was one cute baby!
Acts: "Don't try this at home!"
Romans: "Take a letter for me..."
[...]

Not too long ago, I woke up to find my neice's boyfriend sprawled on the floor in the hallway outside her bedroom door. Naked as the day he was born. I thought he had passed out drunk on his way to or from the bathroom, and was prepared to give him bloody hell for it after I woke him up. A gentle prod to the shoulder produced no reaction. He was really asleep. (Well, most of him was asleep. One part was wide awake.) I decided I needed coffee before I could deal with this situation, so I went down to the kitchen. Crap. Forgot my cigarettes, and had to go back upstairs. His altogether nakedness was beginning to be a bit embarrassing for me, so I threw a towel over the awake part, and retreated to the kitchen for that cup of java. He was still there an hour later. I (very carefully) stepped over him, and went into neice's room to wake her. When I told her that her boyfriend was taking a siesta on the carpet in his birthday suit, she jumped up, smacked him on the head, and dragged him into the bedroom. Turns out he wasn't drunk at all. Nope. He sleepwalks.

Later, after the redness in his face went away, and she convinced him that he really could be in the same room with me without dying of shame, I asked him if this happened often. "Not much", he said. Once though, when he was in Marine boot camp, he crawled into his Sergeant's bunk. That must have been really interesting! (BTW, my pet name for him now is Naked Boy.)

If you think Steven Spielberg is a great director, weep at Julia Roberts movies, and have a low tolerance for dark humor, controversy, and language written to a post-secondary-school audience, brace yourself for a moral challenge.